Painfully Honest Rant 2017 Rewind

Painfully HonestI first wrote this piece in 2015 then revised it in 2016 during my relationship with Peter. Unfortunately, I haven’t been able to find that version. This is a re-edited 2017 draft version which is a work in progress:

WRITING THE TRUTH

Oh, and a big yes to this one!
Well, here goes. I am a writer and I like writing the truth as I perceive it.
I will be brave and address the main points:
Hey, I don’t really like it when a ‘friend’ treats me with disrespect, says something hurtful, treats me in a hurtful way, demeans me or, has unrealistic expectations of me such that they pay out on me when I don’t measure up to their needs.
I don’t like it when a person who purports to ‘love’ me invalidates me by countering my concerns with their own defensive reaction formation or, comes into my home and chastises me. Nor do I like to hear ‘gossip’ about other people because I know that whoever is gossiping is likely to gossip about me also.
I don’t like disingenuous or, pretentious people but I do have compassion for them.
I don’t like assumptions or, accusations. I don’t like physical, emotional, verbal or, sexual abuse/violence or anything else that reeks of abuse.
Am I ‘in love’ with someone? Perhaps…. I don’t quite know the answer to that – whatever ‘in love’ means…. I am full of love for my beloved Peter – who I miss dearly and who is now gone. I will always love him with great reverence despite the passing of time. This is not a love of loss, yearning or attachment – this is a deep abiding affection and love for this man which is not limited by life or, lessened by death. I learned a lot more about love during my time with Peter and I have much gratitude for this. I know that I will love like this again with a new partner as I have an endless supply of love for the right person. In the past, I have often been in ‘lust’ and mistaken it for love. I love humankind in all its beauty and absurdity. I love the struggles and the triumphs we all have. I love people in my life with differing intensities – some with deep and selfless intensity – others with less. I have love and compassion for many people, animals, our planet, nature, the universe. I have compassion and good will for people in my life that I have decided to let go of.

I have learned that compassion for myself must come first and to remove myself from people who are harmful to me. I don’t have to be in someone’s company to love them or, have empathy for them. I have unrequited love for a few people and that is ok. I just love them and it doesn’t have to be anything else. I have profound love for a select few. I love people who wouldn’t know that I love them. I have a deep and abiding love of people who inspire me.
I have love for qualities that I see as admirable in others. I have a profound love for horses.
I have a profound love of the written word, of music, of art, of creativity, of innovation.
I really miss my Dharma friends in the NSW Northern Rivers region. I think of them often.

I miss my friend Simone Rock who passed away suddenly in April 2015. I think of her often –
she was a bright spark. As for missing people and thinking about them all the time, the art of
‘non attachment’ is part of my daily practice and I work at cultivating mind discipline through meditation and mindfulness. So, over thinking about someone or missing them to distraction is not really my bag – this is a hard one though! There have been friends and family members in my live who for various and very good reasons I have decided to let go of and I have moments of sadness when I miss the good times. I have no regrets. A psychologist whom I was seeing back in 2009 said to me that I seem to have a lot of regrets. She suggested I write them all down. I ended up with two pages worth and in the process of writing them, they were gone. Try it, it works! Ah, and what I think of myself is way more important than what others think of me. I like myself (worked long and hard at that one) and strive to be the best person I can be for myself and others. Is that painfully honest enough? I write such things, not out of any narcissistic need, but to encourage others to think and perhaps do the same and be as real as they can be.

 

Author: Ajanta

Poet, Writer / Editor / Photographer / Counsellor / Therapist / Mentor / Spiritual Care Worker / Advocate / Death Doula / End of Life Consultant

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