Doubt

doubt

I realise that
Doubt is that
Insidious emotive
Out of control
Entity
That creeps
Into my being
Stemming from fear
Of the unknown
Rising like bile of the soul
Robbing me of being whole
No way to console
The toll is great
Like a hole
In my being
When there is no way of seeing
The path before me
Clearly
And what I hold so dearly
Is to see, to be
At one, at peace
To have release
And the skill is
To transcend this
When it overcomes me
More worthwhile
To see doubt for what it is
Transient, self limiting, futile
I must temper it
With faith
Pamper it with hope
Cope
Hold tight to the rope
Struggle and climb
Back to the sublime
Where there is meaning
A state of being
Clear seeing
Freeing

 

(c) Ajanta Judd 2003

Painfully Honest Rant Draft 2017

painfully_honest

I first wrote this piece in 2015 then revised it in 2016 during my relationship with Peter. Unfortunately, I haven’t been able to find that version. This is a re-edited 2017 draft version which is a work in progress:

WRITING THE TRUTH

Oh, and a big yes to this one!
Well, here goes. I am a writer and I like writing the truth as I perceive it.
I will be brave and address the main points:
Hey, I don’t really like it when a ‘friend’ treats me with disrespect, says something hurtful, treats me in a hurtful way, demeans me or, has unrealistic expectations of me such that they pay out on me when I don’t measure up to their needs.
I don’t like it when a person who purports to ‘love’ me invalidates me by countering my concerns with their own defensive reaction formation or, comes into my home and chastises me. Nor do I like to hear ‘gossip’ about other people because I know that whoever is gossiping is likely to gossip about me also.
I don’t like disingenuous or, pretentious people but I do have compassion for them.
I don’t like assumptions or, accusations. I don’t like physical, emotional, verbal or, sexual abuse/violence or anything else that reeks of abuse.
Am I ‘in love’ with someone? Perhaps…. I don’t quite know the answer to that – whatever ‘in love’ means…. I am full of love for my beloved Peter – who I miss dearly and who is now gone. I will always love him with great reverence despite the passing of time. This is not a love of loss, yearning or attachment – this is a deep abiding affection and love for this man which is not limited by life or, lessened by death. I learned a lot more about love during my time with Peter and I have much gratitude for this. I know that I will love like this again with a new partner as I have an endless supply of love for the right person. In the past, I have often been in ‘lust’ and mistaken it for love. I love humankind in all its beauty and absurdity. I love the struggles and the triumphs we all have. I love people in my life with differing intensities – some with deep and selfless intensity – others with less. I have love and compassion for many people, animals, our planet, nature, the universe. I have compassion and good will for people in my life that I have decided to let go of.

I have learned that compassion for myself must come first and to remove myself from people who are harmful to me. I don’t have to be in someone’s company to love them or, have empathy for them. I have unrequited love for a few people and that is ok. I just love them and it doesn’t have to be anything else. I have profound love for a select few. I love people who wouldn’t know that I love them. I have a deep and abiding love of people who inspire me.
I have love for qualities that I see as admirable in others. I have a profound love for horses.
I have a profound love of the written word, of music, of art, of creativity, of innovation.
I really miss my Dharma friends in the NSW Northern Rivers region. I think of them often.

I miss my friend Simone Rock who passed away suddenly in April 2015. I think of her often –
she was a bright spark. As for missing people and thinking about them all the time, the art of
‘non attachment’ is part of my daily practice and I work at cultivating mind discipline through meditation and mindfulness. So, over thinking about someone or missing them to distraction is not really my bag – this is a hard one though! There have been friends and family members in my live who for various and very good reasons I have decided to let go of and I have moments of sadness when I miss the good times. I have no regrets. A psychologist whom I was seeing back in 2009 said to me that I seem to have a lot of regrets. She suggested I write them all down. I ended up with two pages worth and in the process of writing them, they were gone. Try it, it works! Ah, and what I think of myself is way more important than what others think of me. I like myself (worked long and hard at that one) and strive to be the best person I can be for myself and others. Is that painfully honest enough? I write such things, not out of any narcissistic need, but to encourage others to think and perhaps do the same and be as real as they can be.

 

The Home in Me

IMG_20170520_134136_629

Where do I feel most at home?
Is home safety? Freedom?
Belonging? Understanding? Comfort?
Support? Validation?
A roof? A meal?
Is home where the heart is?
Where does the heart feel most at home?
In the arms of my lover? In our shared oneness?
Amidst kindred spirits?
That moment when you meet someone and discover a spontaneous commonality –
a shared interest; a mutual passion.
Perhaps the moment when two people discover the same experience, a similar trauma,
a common heartache. That is home.
The places where one feels most at ease – most comfortable – most content.
The feeling of being validated. Acknowledgement. Being seen.
The sense of loving kindness between people. Gentleness…
A beach. A mountain. A mindstate.
An altered consciousness. An ecstatic orgasm.
A bath – merging with the water. A fire – peering into flames.
The peace of deep meditation.
Anywhere there is refuge.